Single in L.A.

As girl talk goes, my friends and I talk about everything. As of late, the conversation seems to always float to how “long it’s been” for each of us (eh hem, you know what I mean). If you follow this blog, or stay glued to my Twitter you’ve likely caught the hint.

A couple of weeks ago the gang met up for the first official happy hour - at our usual - of the new year, and this very discussion came up. But we were in mixed company and may have scared off Karla’s friend. After one comment she abruptly got up from the table and left. Shrugs. 

Fast forward a bit to this past weekend – I decided to head over to FUNKYBROWNCHICK to catch up on my candid reading. Twanna never disappoints me! That very day she’s talking, quite openly, about how horny she is. Le sigh, Twanna, LE SIGH. Note: she raises a dangerous question at the end (dangerous because some are afraid to admit to “things”). Check out the comments.

So, fast forward, again, to yesterday. Giselle and I are exchanging youtube links, as we often do once we’ve gotten antsy at our daytime gigs. She sends me this video of a couch potato cat. Cute – and super funny because the cat looks JUST LIKE her fat orange cat. In the “Related Videos” section, I find this – and HAD to share. 

 Le Sigh, little kitty. LE SIGH!

Everybody wants to know is she gay or straight. Here’s what she had to say about that in the May issue of Latina Magazine

What the majority of [people] want to know is what I’m doing with my vagina, and I think that that’s sick. What do you care who I’m dating?…I don’t answer those questions. I just keep it to myself and it’s nobody’s business. If I wanna f*ck a girl, a boy, a dog—that’s my business.

Agreed Michelle! I honestly (pinky swear, I promise!) don’t care what you do with your vagina. But are you single? Kidding! You don’t have to tell me.

Michelle just wrapped James Cameron’s Avatar, due out in December (with another of my favorites, Zoe Saldana). She’s currently filming yet another installment of Fast and the Furious set to hit the big screen in 2009.

Of course I have to put traditional in quotation marks for the nay-saying skeptics out here. After my “I don’t call men” post and many other conversations I’ve had, I’m met with many differing opinions. I have those that say you can’t have it both ways. You can’t be traditional with some ideals and liberal with others. Why not? In politics there’s a such thing as a conservative liberal, why can’t I be that in my daily life and spread it across all areas? Don’t I get to create who I want to be?

Sunday I had a long conversation with dating coach Yvonne Chase. No, I’m not seeing a dating coach – any problems I have in that area are likely due to the slim pickings available in L.A. not necessarily my approach to dating. Anyhow, I mentioned to her that I have a problem with paying for dates. I do. I admit it freely. And before you bombard me hear me out, okay?

My real issue there is that everything is so casual and lax when it comes to that. Men say things like “if you’re such an independent woman, why do you need me to pay for your dinner? Why not pay for mine?” Blasphemous! First off: I don’t need anyone to pay for anything, if I do I call mommy and daddy, not some dude. I do everything I want to do, and whether I’m on a date or not, I was going to eat, see a movie, go to a play or museum. Secondly, I can only do what I am accustomed to, and I am not accustomed to paying for a man’s anything. In my past, even after dating one person at length, I’ve offered and those men have refused and even appeared offended that I would offer, as if I was emasculating them. Those are the men I like!

Then, you (men, in case you’re not clear on my reference) want to be casual in one area, but serious in another. Another meaning sex. You want me to go Dutch or even pay for you because “we’re just dating” after all, it’s nothing serious. But then you are in a rush to get in my pants? What’s up with that? Sex, in my opinion, is serious business!

I just think the essence of courtship is lost today. Possibly because people don’t know what it is, or it’s true purpose. Possibly? What say you?

Note: feel free to click that Wikipedia link in case you too are confused about the importance of courtship. Admitting is half the battle.

Friday night two of the usual suspects (Kendra and I) happened upon happy hour at the usual spot (The Belmont). Giselle was recovering from too many Skinny Girl Margaritas (found a step by step recipe - below) the night before so she opted out. But we were joined by a few of the semi-usual suspects and good times(and several drinks) were had by all.

Being in L.A. at least 75% of the present company at any given time will be in the entertainment industry and such was the case that night. We went back and forth about what films sucked, who acquired what, who read which script and were even treated to a mini rundown of the Cannes Film Festival (I SO need to be there next year). But as always, when groups of women congregate there is (a teeny tiny bit of) discussion of men. Dating specifically.

So as we talk about all the crazy men out here, the men that mooch off of you (one girl said the guy she’s dating actually just showed up one day and never went home) and just how it’s hard to date out here in general (because LA is full of horny weirdos). It made me think about the fact that I used to have a ton of crazy dating stories, but my pool has been dry for a minute. What gives?

Having said that I’ve decided to lend myself to scientific research for the betterment of all womankind. I’ve set up four dates with guys I’m only mildly interested in just to see what happens. Knowing me, the predictable will happen. Developing.

Last night I had a social//meeting with one of my “groups.” Any self respecting Social Butterfly has different groups for different activities and interests, so as to stay…social.  As an aside, I’m oddly very hungover and I only had ONE glass of champagne.  Maybe it was cheap?  I don’t know. 

Anyway I chatted it up with three different women, all of whom are proponents of online dating.  But why? 

Lady  #1

Great girl, really pretty and very successful in her field.  I’ve known her about two years.  Last year we were each others date for Valentine’s Day (she and her beau had broken up about a week before).  Since then she’s been the queen of online dating and even convinced me to join at some point.  However, if online dating was really serving its purpose you wouldn’t have to keep trying every new site, would you?  Wouldn’t you have found someone by now?

Sunday, she went on a date with a great guy and sent me a text saying “Isn’t it horrible when you have a great first date then immediately assume you’ll never hear from them again!?!”  Uh, yeah!  That seems to be her trend: great first date, guy promises to call and then nothing. 

Lady #2

I met her through Lady #1.  She also rallied around the flag to get me to join this dating site.  That was a year ago.  Last night I asked her how it was going and she said “I hate [that dating site].  I’m on [this other “perfect match” driven dating site] now and it’s great!”  When I asked if she’s met anyone special she said “no, I had a horrible date from there the other night. But I’m always on a date, so at least I feel like I’m doing something.”  That makes it sound like career building or something.  Should dating be task driven?? 

Lady #3

This is my girl!  I love her to pieces.  She’s been on that same dating site forever and also convinced me that I needed to join (did I mention that I hated that site and cancelled my membership after 2 months?).  Her story is always the same: the guy wasn’t her type, the guy got too clingy too fast, the date sucked, the guy asked her to pay… blah blah blah. 

Every one of them wants something special, but hasn’t found it.  We wonder if it’s the L.A. pool of men on that site. 

One of our engaged friends was listening in on all of this and said ever so enthusiastically “I know four couples that got married from [that site]!  Keep going, it’ll happen!!!”  I wonder if she secretly works for them because it has NOT happened yet! 

What are your online dating testimonials?  For it?  Against it? Had 10 booty calls from it and gave it up?  Do tell!

I’m going to post a little weekend roundup later (possibly tomorrow). Sorry I went M.I.A. for a few days. But I’ve been thinking. You always hear this saying ‘there are plenty of fish in the sea.” But are there really?

As a single girl living thousands of miles away from home I try to stay busy. Ever the ethereal Social Butterfly I’m always doing something, going somewhere, meeting people etc. But I realized this weekend that 90% of what I do is with other women. And that’s even more odd considering that I have SO MANY MALE FRIENDS. But they’re just friends so…

In order to promote this little single girl’s blog I was joining social communities that focused on my topics, dating being one of them. I happened to join a site whose philosophy is that “there are plenty of fish in the sea, you just may not be making yourself accessible to them.” I don’t know if I believe that. Do you?

The other day I mentioned that I might post some of my standards, rules if you will. These rules are by no means popular. Why? Well…not many have the amount of self control and lack of neediness that I possess. I don’t think I can post the entire thing at once though. So I’ll start with the most controversial.

#1 I don’t call men. EVER. I’ll return your call. I’ll answer when you call me (assuming that I like you and have time to talk).We’ll definitely converse, but not because I called you.

Why, you ask? I was taught that men should be pursuing women. That if a girl is sitting around calling boys (when I was younger) then the boy doesn’t get to play “his role” so to speak. In essence, the natural order is messed up. So if I’m calling you all the time then I feel like I’m doing the pursuing and thereby doing nature a injustice. This has always worked for me. And honestly, not one man as ever noticed that I’m not calling him. Not because he didn’t want to talk to me. But because they ALWAYS call, I answer, we talk and make plans to talk later (or whatever).

I’ve gotten so much flack for this from my close male friends for this! They think it’s rude, presumptuous and selfish. But mostly they’re mad because before I admitted it, they didn’t realize that they were the ones always doing the calling.

I only broke this rule once and it turned out very, very badly. And I’ll tell you more about that and another of the gems from my “Code of Conduct” tomorrow.

*I can already hear (see) what a specific someone is going to say. But I want the men to think hard: How many times can you recall the woman doing the calling? Or, do you even mind being the one to call?

Now that I’ve force fed you my dating how-to, I want to hear some of your dating experiences. I try to make my blogs as interactive as possible using the comments section. See, a lot of my friends and I are in the same boat: SINGLE! LOL! And, especially my group on the West Coast, we simply don’t understand why. So I’m wondering if dating is this complicated for everyone everywhere, or are my friends and I possibly complicating things more than they need to be? Did that make sense?

Tomorrow I may post some of my standards/rules, but after some of the comments to the Gabrielle Union quote, I may get a few bushels of rotten tomatoes thrown my way.

If you’re still single, how’s your dating life?

If you’re not single, how easy/hard was it for you to get off the market?

Share!

Well, really it’s my own Golden Rule when it comes to dating. And I really think men need to pay close attention: Slow down!

Pretty simple right? So simple that you read too much into what it means and jump the gun anyway. Like thinking that “slow down” coming from a woman means we like playing games. Or we expect too much; more than we deserve “at this point.” What I’d like to know is what’s your rush? I’m speaking to grown men when I write these words. Not 30 year old boys (adult in age, but not mentally mature). Not 21 year old college fraters that want to boink everything walking (though they should take heed too). So if you’re not mentally there yet, come back once you’ve learned from some experiences.

When I did my “research” amongst my male friends and they told me they needed help I considered each source separately. These were educated, good looking, hard working cool guys that I love hanging out with, talking to and just generally shooting the shit with.. Some of them said they’re sick of women trying to get something for nothing – i.e. using them just to get a free meal. To that I say: choose more wisely. You’re rushing up to a pretty face and not getting to know what the entire package consists of. Pretty faces don’t amount to much at the end of the day. The things you talked about in those long phone and text conversations should have told you where her head was, then no one is using anyone because both parties’ expectations are clear.

But that takes too much time for you, no?

If you are a quality man, meeting quality women then you BOTH deserve a quality dating experience. So slow it down. Stop trying to boink us on the first date! Stop sending lascivious text messages WAY TOO EARLY IN THE COURTSHIP. Sorry, I don’t mean to yell (or get too personal).

What I’ve been running to since I move to L.A. is the following:

1. Meet a guy. He thinks I’m great (because I actually AM). He tries to snatch me up really fast without really trying to see if I’m great FOR HIM. We fizzle after 6 months.
2. Meet a guy. He doesn’t even take the time to see how great I am. Instead he engages me in empty, fluff talk for a few days then asks when I’m going to “pay him a visit.” Uh, never! You haven’t even bought me a freaking chicken wing and found out my last name over aforementioned chicken wing yet you want me to “come hang at your place? Next.
3. Meet a guy. He sees I’m great, yet he uses the same tactics on me that he uses on not-so-great-still-have-a-lot-of-growing-up-to-do girls. We both miss out on something potentially great because the wrong tactics are being used.
4. This is my favorite: Meet a guy, chat it up and make advanced plans. Go out for a burrito dinner (eh hem) and dude tries to boink me that night! Whoa! What’s your rush?
5. Meet a nice guy. He actually does take it slow. So slow that he’s afraid of me. “What’s wrong? Is everything okay? Did I come on too strong? Not strong enough?” Dude, calm down! We’re testing the waters.

All these males, and many others, were in a rush. A rush to snatch me up, not knowing if they could even meet the challenge that “snatching Haute up” entails. A rush to bed me down so they could either put me on Booty Buddy status or move on to the next conquest. Just a rush in general. And for what?

My point is take it easy. Ask the right questions. Use that preliminary dating time to find our if you actually should be going further. Take a little time to work out your game plan. My personal preliminary time: 3 dates and then I re-evaluate so as not to waste any valuable time. I come with an entire set of rules, actually, but this post isn’t about me. I just don’t think enough men employ some type of evaluation and react accordingly. And thinking with the wrong head could get you in some pretty hairy situations.

Fall back a little. Enjoy dating. I mean, I did just teach you what to do, after all!

Okay, so you’ve approached the girl.  You even managed NOT to say anything like “I must be sleeping or maybe you’re tired because you are the Dream Girl that’s been running through my mind all night.”  Perfect.  Go you!  Now, call her up and engage in a little get to know you chat.  But don’t stretch it out. 

Many people fail to realize that there’s only so much talking over the phone and texting that a busy, single girl likes to do. And, if possible, minimize the texting – at least in the beginning.  We may engage in it, but we take guys so much more serious when we can actually hear his voice (at reasonable – not “sneaking around behind someone’s back” times).  So talk to her a couple of times and then set up a nice date.

A nice date, you ask?  Nice, contrary to popular belief, does not always mean expensive.  It does, however, mean thoughtful.  Being thoughtful includes giving your Dream Girl a little advanced notice.  Don’t call us on Thursday trying to make plans for Friday or Saturday.  Even if your schedule just cleared up (which is code for my other date cancelled or all of my friends have dates already) resist doing it.  You missed your window of opportunity because that girl is likely already busy, and if she’s not she’s going to act like it.  Why?  Well, a new guy, no matter how much we like him, should be trying to impress us, at least until we’ve gone out 3 times.  So try and call us by Wednesday (afternoon not night right before you’re hitting the sack).  We like forethought, not afterthought.

Got it?  Great!  You’re on your way.  Now, another “nice” thing to do is to take us to a decent restaurant (if we’ve decided to eat). You’re trying to impress her, remember?

 
Here’s a little gem from my single, L.A. dating diary. A few months ago I made ADVANCE plans to get together with a guy that had been trying to go out with me for a few weeks.  Professional, respectful, cute and funny guy. Finally I make room in my very busy schedule for what’s sure to be a great date.. Where does he take me?  Some greasy –spoon burrito stand with no tables.  Yup, I was all dressed up, sitting at the counter of El Tarasco!  Think I’m still dating him??? 

There are plenty of great restaurants that don’t cost an arm and a leg.  Be creative.  Make a reservation and, please, make sure they have proper seating. 

Tomorrow you’ll get my Golden Rule.  Tell all your guy friends to tune in