Single in L.A.

The reviews are in, and they’re mostly mixed. CNN’s“Black in America” special debuted last night. I don’t discuss race much here, mostly because it’s irrelevant (as far as my specific social culture- more specifically the ideals I ascribe to). But of course, race issue are very relevant in the overall scheme of things.

I won’t get too deep. But something came up in last night’s airing that got me thinking about my own life (and current “situations” I’m involved in). Discussing things on a large scale is fine, but I like to banter with people. Not about far off hypothetical, idealistic concepts, but how things really feel and seem to us – in real life.

Interracial dating: how do you feel about it? Living in the ethereal melting pot, one would think this is not an issue. I see far more interracial couple than I do of those belonging to the same race. For the most part, it doesn’t affect me. But living in a melting pot doesn’t mean that everyone is into the mixing and mingling thing. Quite the contrary. Los Angeles can be very segregated socially, demographically and idealistically.

Being a single girl, I choose not to close any doors. I date who I like, who I’m attracted to and who treats me well. That could be anyone. And since I seem to be a Black Man Repellent, what other choices do I have? Date outside of my race, or don’t date at all.

I’m going to be honest though. There is a very clear double standard. I can’t state the oppositions side of things. But from my personal experience Black men seem to take offense when Black women date outside of their race. I laugh at that (for many, many reasons).

I’m interested in hearing some global perspectives. How do you feel about interracial dating? Is the dialog dated and unnecessary? Or, do you just want to get it all out in the open once and for all? How is it looked upon in your culture/racial group? Or even your neck of the woods? Speak! Your opinions are going to help me with another post that had been brewing in the Much Ado pot which will likely be posted here.

Photo: Wikimedia

Over at The Urban Blogger, this week’s discussion hot topic: whether or not the lovely Lauren London is the Black Angelina Jolie. Super cute girl, but that comparison is…a stretch. Some speculate that she’s the “it” Black actress right now. Eh… Up and coming is more like it. Most known for her video girl roles, Lauren starred in ATL opposite rapper T.I. and was featured on the HBO series Entourage. But I’d say the buzz around her love life is much more interesting.

Lauren in KING magazine

Rumors that she’s dating Lil Wayne, T.I., NBA star Baron Davis and even her gal pal Cassie are what seem to be keeping her in the limelight. Luckily Lauren doesn’t (seem to) kiss and tell. So, for now, she can be single in L.A.

Lauren and Cassie promoting Sean John @ MTV

She can be seen in next year’s teen flick I Love You, Beth Cooper starring Hayden Panettiere.

After my Dylan McDermott post, one fine gentleman decided to e-mail me and request that I post more women as the Single in L.A. feature.  Said gentleman had a very special request.  It’s funny.  How can I cater to the men-folk, if I don’t know they’re reading?  You guys have to give feedback – by way of…comments, maybe? This blog is no democracy, but I am open to doing favors.

Sanaa Lathan has been pretty tight lipped about her love life since breaking up with long-time beau Omar Epps.  For the past year she’s been unofficially linked to Chicago Bears Defensive End Adewale Ogunleye (7 years her junior!).  I certainly respect the desire for privacy concerning your personal life.  But if you’re not claiming him, I won’t claim him for you.  Well I might, but then he’d be my man. Anyhow,  Sanaa Lathan is possibly Single in L.A.  S.W. your comments are welcomed.

The beautiful and talented Ms. Lathan can next be seen in Wonderful World with Matthew Broderick.

Photos courtesy of AskMen.com

Last night I had a social//meeting with one of my “groups.” Any self respecting Social Butterfly has different groups for different activities and interests, so as to stay…social.  As an aside, I’m oddly very hungover and I only had ONE glass of champagne.  Maybe it was cheap?  I don’t know. 

Anyway I chatted it up with three different women, all of whom are proponents of online dating.  But why? 

Lady  #1

Great girl, really pretty and very successful in her field.  I’ve known her about two years.  Last year we were each others date for Valentine’s Day (she and her beau had broken up about a week before).  Since then she’s been the queen of online dating and even convinced me to join at some point.  However, if online dating was really serving its purpose you wouldn’t have to keep trying every new site, would you?  Wouldn’t you have found someone by now?

Sunday, she went on a date with a great guy and sent me a text saying “Isn’t it horrible when you have a great first date then immediately assume you’ll never hear from them again!?!”  Uh, yeah!  That seems to be her trend: great first date, guy promises to call and then nothing. 

Lady #2

I met her through Lady #1.  She also rallied around the flag to get me to join this dating site.  That was a year ago.  Last night I asked her how it was going and she said “I hate [that dating site].  I’m on [this other “perfect match” driven dating site] now and it’s great!”  When I asked if she’s met anyone special she said “no, I had a horrible date from there the other night. But I’m always on a date, so at least I feel like I’m doing something.”  That makes it sound like career building or something.  Should dating be task driven?? 

Lady #3

This is my girl!  I love her to pieces.  She’s been on that same dating site forever and also convinced me that I needed to join (did I mention that I hated that site and cancelled my membership after 2 months?).  Her story is always the same: the guy wasn’t her type, the guy got too clingy too fast, the date sucked, the guy asked her to pay… blah blah blah. 

Every one of them wants something special, but hasn’t found it.  We wonder if it’s the L.A. pool of men on that site. 

One of our engaged friends was listening in on all of this and said ever so enthusiastically “I know four couples that got married from [that site]!  Keep going, it’ll happen!!!”  I wonder if she secretly works for them because it has NOT happened yet! 

What are your online dating testimonials?  For it?  Against it? Had 10 booty calls from it and gave it up?  Do tell!

I’ve been fighting this post with all my might – mostly for personal reasons. I’ll tell you a little story and then get to Mr. Rucker. So…I had no idea who this guy was. None. At. All. I didn’t see Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married (by choice). But when I saw Lamman in the previews I thought he looked familiar. I wracked my brain and then aha! He had a brief stint on ABC’s long running daytime mega-soap All My Children. Problem solved.

Fast forward to last week. I had three of the exact same dream, three nights in a row, each time a different man played a certain “role.” Lamman was role player #1! Random. Perhaps I have some type of subconscious crush? I can’t give details, but I’ll tell you that he was very much present in the dream and…Nothing salacious – promise. Anyhow, it made me recognize this man’s swoon factor!

Rumors have been swirling incessantly that Lamman, 36, is dating R&B crooner Jill Scott, which both adamantly deny. But is it a coincidence that Jill is his TOP friend on myspace and her “Do You Remember Me” plays as his profile song??? Hmmm. Well, if they won’t claim it, neither will I. Briefly linked to ANTM’s Toccara Jones, Lamman Rucker is “Single” in L.A.

He recently starred in Ball Don’t Lie which debuted at The Tribeca Film Festival and is currently filming Incomplete tentatively due out next spring.

The other day I mentioned that I might post some of my standards, rules if you will. These rules are by no means popular. Why? Well…not many have the amount of self control and lack of neediness that I possess. I don’t think I can post the entire thing at once though. So I’ll start with the most controversial.

#1 I don’t call men. EVER. I’ll return your call. I’ll answer when you call me (assuming that I like you and have time to talk).We’ll definitely converse, but not because I called you.

Why, you ask? I was taught that men should be pursuing women. That if a girl is sitting around calling boys (when I was younger) then the boy doesn’t get to play “his role” so to speak. In essence, the natural order is messed up. So if I’m calling you all the time then I feel like I’m doing the pursuing and thereby doing nature a injustice. This has always worked for me. And honestly, not one man as ever noticed that I’m not calling him. Not because he didn’t want to talk to me. But because they ALWAYS call, I answer, we talk and make plans to talk later (or whatever).

I’ve gotten so much flack for this from my close male friends for this! They think it’s rude, presumptuous and selfish. But mostly they’re mad because before I admitted it, they didn’t realize that they were the ones always doing the calling.

I only broke this rule once and it turned out very, very badly. And I’ll tell you more about that and another of the gems from my “Code of Conduct” tomorrow.

*I can already hear (see) what a specific someone is going to say. But I want the men to think hard: How many times can you recall the woman doing the calling? Or, do you even mind being the one to call?

Now that I’ve force fed you my dating how-to, I want to hear some of your dating experiences. I try to make my blogs as interactive as possible using the comments section. See, a lot of my friends and I are in the same boat: SINGLE! LOL! And, especially my group on the West Coast, we simply don’t understand why. So I’m wondering if dating is this complicated for everyone everywhere, or are my friends and I possibly complicating things more than they need to be? Did that make sense?

Tomorrow I may post some of my standards/rules, but after some of the comments to the Gabrielle Union quote, I may get a few bushels of rotten tomatoes thrown my way.

If you’re still single, how’s your dating life?

If you’re not single, how easy/hard was it for you to get off the market?

Share!

Well, really it’s my own Golden Rule when it comes to dating. And I really think men need to pay close attention: Slow down!

Pretty simple right? So simple that you read too much into what it means and jump the gun anyway. Like thinking that “slow down” coming from a woman means we like playing games. Or we expect too much; more than we deserve “at this point.” What I’d like to know is what’s your rush? I’m speaking to grown men when I write these words. Not 30 year old boys (adult in age, but not mentally mature). Not 21 year old college fraters that want to boink everything walking (though they should take heed too). So if you’re not mentally there yet, come back once you’ve learned from some experiences.

When I did my “research” amongst my male friends and they told me they needed help I considered each source separately. These were educated, good looking, hard working cool guys that I love hanging out with, talking to and just generally shooting the shit with.. Some of them said they’re sick of women trying to get something for nothing – i.e. using them just to get a free meal. To that I say: choose more wisely. You’re rushing up to a pretty face and not getting to know what the entire package consists of. Pretty faces don’t amount to much at the end of the day. The things you talked about in those long phone and text conversations should have told you where her head was, then no one is using anyone because both parties’ expectations are clear.

But that takes too much time for you, no?

If you are a quality man, meeting quality women then you BOTH deserve a quality dating experience. So slow it down. Stop trying to boink us on the first date! Stop sending lascivious text messages WAY TOO EARLY IN THE COURTSHIP. Sorry, I don’t mean to yell (or get too personal).

What I’ve been running to since I move to L.A. is the following:

1. Meet a guy. He thinks I’m great (because I actually AM). He tries to snatch me up really fast without really trying to see if I’m great FOR HIM. We fizzle after 6 months.
2. Meet a guy. He doesn’t even take the time to see how great I am. Instead he engages me in empty, fluff talk for a few days then asks when I’m going to “pay him a visit.” Uh, never! You haven’t even bought me a freaking chicken wing and found out my last name over aforementioned chicken wing yet you want me to “come hang at your place? Next.
3. Meet a guy. He sees I’m great, yet he uses the same tactics on me that he uses on not-so-great-still-have-a-lot-of-growing-up-to-do girls. We both miss out on something potentially great because the wrong tactics are being used.
4. This is my favorite: Meet a guy, chat it up and make advanced plans. Go out for a burrito dinner (eh hem) and dude tries to boink me that night! Whoa! What’s your rush?
5. Meet a nice guy. He actually does take it slow. So slow that he’s afraid of me. “What’s wrong? Is everything okay? Did I come on too strong? Not strong enough?” Dude, calm down! We’re testing the waters.

All these males, and many others, were in a rush. A rush to snatch me up, not knowing if they could even meet the challenge that “snatching Haute up” entails. A rush to bed me down so they could either put me on Booty Buddy status or move on to the next conquest. Just a rush in general. And for what?

My point is take it easy. Ask the right questions. Use that preliminary dating time to find our if you actually should be going further. Take a little time to work out your game plan. My personal preliminary time: 3 dates and then I re-evaluate so as not to waste any valuable time. I come with an entire set of rules, actually, but this post isn’t about me. I just don’t think enough men employ some type of evaluation and react accordingly. And thinking with the wrong head could get you in some pretty hairy situations.

Fall back a little. Enjoy dating. I mean, I did just teach you what to do, after all!

Okay, so you’ve approached the girl.  You even managed NOT to say anything like “I must be sleeping or maybe you’re tired because you are the Dream Girl that’s been running through my mind all night.”  Perfect.  Go you!  Now, call her up and engage in a little get to know you chat.  But don’t stretch it out. 

Many people fail to realize that there’s only so much talking over the phone and texting that a busy, single girl likes to do. And, if possible, minimize the texting – at least in the beginning.  We may engage in it, but we take guys so much more serious when we can actually hear his voice (at reasonable – not “sneaking around behind someone’s back” times).  So talk to her a couple of times and then set up a nice date.

A nice date, you ask?  Nice, contrary to popular belief, does not always mean expensive.  It does, however, mean thoughtful.  Being thoughtful includes giving your Dream Girl a little advanced notice.  Don’t call us on Thursday trying to make plans for Friday or Saturday.  Even if your schedule just cleared up (which is code for my other date cancelled or all of my friends have dates already) resist doing it.  You missed your window of opportunity because that girl is likely already busy, and if she’s not she’s going to act like it.  Why?  Well, a new guy, no matter how much we like him, should be trying to impress us, at least until we’ve gone out 3 times.  So try and call us by Wednesday (afternoon not night right before you’re hitting the sack).  We like forethought, not afterthought.

Got it?  Great!  You’re on your way.  Now, another “nice” thing to do is to take us to a decent restaurant (if we’ve decided to eat). You’re trying to impress her, remember?

 
Here’s a little gem from my single, L.A. dating diary. A few months ago I made ADVANCE plans to get together with a guy that had been trying to go out with me for a few weeks.  Professional, respectful, cute and funny guy. Finally I make room in my very busy schedule for what’s sure to be a great date.. Where does he take me?  Some greasy –spoon burrito stand with no tables.  Yup, I was all dressed up, sitting at the counter of El Tarasco!  Think I’m still dating him??? 

There are plenty of great restaurants that don’t cost an arm and a leg.  Be creative.  Make a reservation and, please, make sure they have proper seating. 

Tomorrow you’ll get my Golden Rule.  Tell all your guy friends to tune in

Fella, if you’d like to engage in a little bit of:

Instead of:

Pay very close attention.

Further to my introduction of a little “how to” guide, I think it’s paramount to start you guys off with the most important thing: your approach. If you can’t do that right, it’s essentially curtains for you. Mess up this very simple, simple thing and she’ll never get to know if you’re a funny man, sexy man, old man, young man, black man, or even a hairy old black man that happens to be really quite nice.

Men often think that those cheesy lines are clever. Even worse, they KNOW they’re cheesy but think “at least I’ll get a laugh.” Wrong! The laugh is not a laugh with you. It’s an uncomfortable “oh my gosh that was the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. When is this guy going to go away” laugh-at-you type of laugh.

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