Single in L.A.

One thing that anyone (single, married or otherwise engaged) in L.A. can attest to is that the traffic is horrible. It’s actually horrific enough to send a naïve, fair little blonde from Kansas with dreams of “making it big” running back home to the farm all set to marry Jeb and be a farmer’s housewife instead.

Yesterday I left work in Beverly Hills in an utter frenzy at 5 pm. Over in the tandem employee lot they had all of ONE attendant working to move cars and let people out. I finally hit the pavement to drive the whopping 8.6 miles to Burbank about 15 minutes later.

8 miles seems like nothing right? Sure if you live in sleepy Midwest town and you’re simply taking 8 miles worth of back road over to grandma’s house. But this is L.A. And, ironically, the route to Burbank from Beverly Hills is through Hollywood. There is no getting around it. So my 8 mile drive consisted of about 7 miles of parking lot and ONE mile of coasting. So what would normally take 15 minutes, actually took 45. Don’t you just love it.

No worries. I arrive at Gate 4 of Warner Brothers’ Studio Lot at 6:05. In order to get into the 6:45 screening you were to arrive by 6. There is no “fashionably late.” Right on time my contact inside the metal gates calls and asks “where the hell are you?” I explain what she and everyone who has ever been here must know: traffic held me up. “Well” she says “the theater is already full. I’ll hold your seat as long as I can, then you’ll be in the overflow theater.” That’s fine, as long as I get to see the move. I’ll just meet up with her after.

The lovely man at the gate informs me after looking for my name, her name and (for good measure) I throw in the names of 15 other people I know over at WB, that I have a movie pass, but no parking pass. What???? “Ma’am” he says (and I hate to be called ma’am for some reason) “make a u-turn out and you can park near Gate 3. It’s a bit far, but we have a SHUTTLE SERVICE from OVER THERE.” Deep sigh.

It’s now 6:15 and my contact text me her location inside the theater. Great, now I just need to get onto the lot! Instead of listening to Mr. Parking Guy I decide to look for street parking because there is NO WAY I’m walking from far away in these 5 inches (super cute) wedges. Nor will I be forced to WAIT for a shuttle.

Sarah Jessica Parker herself must have been smiling down on me because I scored a prime spot directly outside of Gate 5 – a mere proverbial hop, skip and jump from the theater. I park, I gloss my lips and dash through security, through some Midwestern town set on the lot and, after being nearly run down by a golf cart, I arrive to the theater and there is a LINE! Huh?

I don’t do lines. So I sashay right on over to the event coordinators (all women – so my strategically place cleavage fell on blind eyes) and inform them that I’m on a list. “All lists are closed.” I think they must misunderstand me and inform them that I’m on the list as a guest of either “XYZ” or “ABC”. You’re no on e if you don’t drop a couple of names in this town. One of my names got flutters out of one of the women who then told me to wait right here. Success, I think! She goes over and whispers frantically to a group of women all wearing headsets, all looking back and forth from me to each other and back to me. Then the sergeant comes out.

A woman dressed in poorly tailored pale pink slacks, matching tank and a very cute white blazer says “All doors closed, we are FULL” in the driest, most monotone yet authoritative voice. My helper goes over and whispers something while pointing in my direction. Pink Sergeant says “Not even Bugs Bunny could get in here right now. We’re FULL.” She walks away. And that’s that.

I didn’t get to see the movie last night. And as my L.A. luck would have it, all midnight shows for tonight are sold out. Except for one out in the Inland Empire somewhere. Though I love Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha I will not be driving 60 miles to see this movie. Not in this traffic.

I was so depressed that I decided to eat my very first Fatburger. It was delicious! But my stomach hurts.

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